


Tastes Like Sympathy

by ChellaC



Series: Tastes Like Sympathy [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst and fluff and humor, Blood Drinking, Cannibalism, Domestic, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship/Love, Hide and Touka are Supportive, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Rating May Change, Roommates, Warnings May Change, not an au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-30
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-02-27 12:02:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2692247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChellaC/pseuds/ChellaC
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To desire acceptance is human nature.  Kaneki would like to argue that it's in a ghoul's nature as well.  But there are some parts of himself he isn't sure he understands, let alone accepts.  One thing he does know is that he doesn't want to push Hide away ever again.  But if he can't be at peace with himself, how can anyone else?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place somewhere in the middle of the anime, but if you want you can imagine it as an in-universe AU in which much less goes wrong. The rating may change, it's not explicit yet but this is Tokyo Ghoul so violence and cannibalism are part of the deal. Relationships are all pretty slow-build other than pre-established ones, this is mostly about Hide and Touka being there for Kaneki and helping him cope with himself. The title is from a song by the amazing band birdeatsbaby. I don't own anything, Tokyo Ghoul belongs to Sui Ishida. Feel free to leave critique, I'd love to hear suggestions and improve. Enjoy:)

Kaneki’s stomach growls.  He winces, ignoring it in favor of continuing to dry the dishes.

                “Hungry, Kaneki?”

                He jumps, scrambling to keep from dropping the plate he was drying.  Kaneki whirls around to find Hide leaning against the counter.

                “Oh, um, no,” Kaneki says, feeling his face heat up.  He turns back to the dishes.  His stomach grumbles.  He grits his teeth.

                “Really?  ‘Cause your stomach says otherwise!” Hide says.

                “I skipped lunch, that’s all.  We’ve been busy.  Don’t worry, I’ll eat later.”

                “Yeah you will!  I’ll be at your place around seven.  You’ll be off then, right?  I’m taking you to dinner.  Don’t argue!”

                “O-oh, Hide, you don’t have to do that,” Kaneki says, the plate he’d been drying now clutched tightly in his hand.  “Really, I’ll just grab something here after my shift, then we can just go over to your place or something.”

                Hide whines.  “Aw, come on Kaneki, I know you don’t really like to go out, but I think it would be good…I mean, we just haven’t in a while.”  Hide trails off, running a finger along the counter.

                Kaneki sighs.  Hide just looks so sad all of a sudden, like a balloon with a hole poked in it, deflating before his eyes.  He hurries to patch it up.  “Ok, ok!  Fine.  I’m sorry, Hide, really I am.  I’ve just…gotten busy.  We can go out tonight.”

                Hide brings his hands together like he’s about to clap from excitement.  “Great!  Like I said, I’ll be here around seven.  Get dressed up, we’re going somewhere nice.”

                “Wh-what?  Hide, wait, can’t we just do something more casual?” Kaneki says, following Hide as he heads for the doors of Anteiku.

                “Oh, Kaneki.”  Hide shakes his head.  “You cannot subsist off books and solitude forever.  Don’t worry, I’ll pay, alright?  I just wanna do something nice!  Don’t work yourself up over it, ok?  See ya later!” he says, waving as he walks out the door.  The bell jingles as he leaves.

                “Hide!  Wait,” Kaneki says, taking fistfuls of his hair, forgetting the plate in his hands.  It drops, and he gasps.

                An arm flies out, catching it before it shatters.  Touka stands, handing it to him with raised eyebrows.  “Having trouble, Kaneki?  Worried about your date?”

                “It’s not a date,” Kaneki says, face red as he takes the plate.  “What am I supposed to do, Touka?”

                She shrugs, trying not to grin.  “You got yourself into this, idiot.”

                “I told him no!” Kaneki says.

                “You’ve never managed to really say no in your entire life,” she says with a pointed look.

                Kaneki groans.  “Help me!”

                Sighing, Touka says, “You’ve been practicing eating human food, haven’t you?  Just…do your best.  Eat as little as you can and throw it up quickly.  Don’t make a scene.  Or you could always just tell him you’re not feeling well.”

                “No, I have to go,” Kaneki says.  “I won’t stand him up.  I’ll just…yeah.  It’ll be fine.”

                As the day progresses, Kaneki feels less and less sure about the coming night.  He nearly drops two more plates, and burns his hand pouring hot coffee all over it when he misses the cup.  By the time his shift is over, Touka is nearly pushing him out the door to.

                “Go!  You’ve been screwing up all day, go and get this over with so you can go back to…as normal as you can be,” she says.

                “Ok, I’m going, I’m sorry,” Kaneki says.  “See you, Touka…”

                “See you, Kaneki.  You’ll be ok.  Tell me all about it tomorrow, won’t you?”

                “Yeah,” Kaneki says, running a hand through his hair.  “See you tomorrow.”

                At home, he dresses in a white dress shirt, neatly pressed in the back of his closet.  Next are the black slacks and the black jacket.  He forces himself to study his appearance in the mirror.  If he ignores his pallid complexion, the rings under his eyes, the round softness of his face, the eye-patch…then there’s not much left to look at.  He looks despondent, and feels ridiculous.  He remembers when Hide had pulled up pictures online of dogs whose owners had dressed them up.  Kaneki feels like that, feels like the big ugly Rottweiler or the drooling Pit-bull who’d been wearing matching vests. 

                “Smile,” he says to his reflection.  He watches his lips twitch up, thin lips revealing a sliver of teeth.  He grimaces.   He looks crazy.

                A knock reverberates through the room.  He freezes.

                “Kaneki!  Are you ready for the best night of your life?”

                Hide’s voice echoes through the house.  Kaneki goes to open the door.

                Hide beams at him, wearing similar dressy clothes.  He whistles.  “You clean up nice, bookworm.”

                Kaneki blushes, stepping outside and closing the door.  “Best night of my life?  I think that’s stretching it, Hide, unless we aren’t actually going to some stuffy restaurant.”

                “Hey, I figure it’s gotta be better than what you’re usually up to,” Hide says, casting a sideways glance at Kaneki.  “You know…reading.  Ignoring my texts.  Pouring coffee.”

                “I said sorry!” Kaneki says, wincing.  “And I really am, Hide.  I won’t complain anymore, let’s just go.”

                When they arrive, Hide walks up to a man in a suit waiting at a kiosk, giving his name.  They’re lead to a table covered in a white table cloth beside a window.  Hide flounces into his seat, while Kaneki folds himself as small as he can be, hands laced tight in his lap, shoulders slightly hunched as he looks around.  The stench of all the human food mixed with the aroma of the humans makes him slightly dizzy.  He feels a bit sick and quickly turns away from looking at the other diners, disgusted with himself.  He stares at the whiteness of the tablecloth, certain he’s never seen anything so clean.

                Kaneki orders water as the waiter hands them menus whose entire back pages are devoted to drinks Kaneki can’t even pronounce the names of.  He flips to the meals, hoping to find something plain and meatless.

                “So, Kaneki,” Hide says.  Kaneki’s stomach growls.  He can’t meet Hide’s eyes as his face feels hot enough to burn holes in the menu he continues to scrutinize.  Hide laughs.  There’s something underneath the amusement, something that reminds Kaneki of the way Hide’s brows pull together and he bites his lip from worry. 

                “You really are starving,” Hide says.

                Kaneki forces a grin to his wobbly lips.  He feels like his face might just melt off and fall onto the table, like a mask of wax heated under a candle, and the mess of blood and ligaments underneath will be exposed for Hide to see, dripping down to stain the tablecloth red-            

                “Kaneki?  You ok?  You look pale,” Hide says.  And he’s making the face, that worried look, lower lip tugged into his mouth.  Kaneki studies the way his teeth press into the skin of his lip, wondering how much harder he’d have to bite to draw blood.  The thought startles him, and he feels shame for even thinking it.  He notices the menu shaking in his hands.  No, not the menu, his hands are shaking.  He folds them back carefully in his lap.

                “Sorry, I’m fine,” he says.  “I think I caught something at work.  No big deal.”

                “If you really aren’t feeling well, we can leave,” Hide says, leaning forwards.  “I don’t mind.  Just tell me, if you start to feel too bad.  We’ll get right out of here.”

                Kaneki takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly.  His smile comes more naturally this time, small and soft.  “No, it’s ok.  Don’t worry about it.  Ready for the test tomorrow?”

                Hide groans.  “Kaneki, no talking about school when we aren’t in school.”

                Kaneki laughs.  “I’m the one who’s been absent.  You should be ready!”

                “Yeah, but you’re the one who actually keeps up with the work,” Hide says.  “I try, but all the reading is so dry.”

                A young woman in a black dress passes their table.  Kaneki watches the swish of her hips as she passes, the way her legs rub together, the exposed skin of her back.  To his horror, he catches himself taking a deep breath as she passes, smelling her on the air.  He starts coughing, as though that could cover it up.

                “Whoa,” Hide says, reaching over to pat Kaneki on the back.  He flinches at the touch, for a horrified moment thinking maybe Hide is going to hit him, thinking that if he did, he’d let him, because the only alternative would be to hurt him.  Kaneki takes a sip of water, trying to clear his head.

                “Sorry,” he says.  “All better.”

                He keeps it under control until the food comes.  Every time he looks down at his plate, he can feel Hide’s eyes on him.  He pushes the noodles around, bringing small bites to his lips that he swallows as quickly.  It feels like swallowing wet paper towels doused in gasoline.

                He finds himself watching Hide eat, as well.  Watching the muscles in his jaw work as he chews, his throat moving as he swallows, the tiny bit of red sauce clinging to the side of his lips.  He becomes mesmerized by it, and by the time he realizes it has only worsened his hunger, it’s too late to look away.

                “Do you mind if I eat that?” Hide asks, already taking a bite from Kaneki’s plate.  Kaneki shakes his head.  Hide makes a pleased sound in his throat, chewing enthusiastically.  “It’s really good.”

                Kaneki forces another bite.  He nods, trying to smile through the bile clawing its way up his throat.  The hunger was nearly bearable before- it had been hollow, persistent, aching- but not roiling the way his stomach now is, the emptiness of before now mixed with the toxic taste of the human food.  It makes Kaneki want to wrap his arms around his middle and curl up on the floor.

                He hiccups, the noise catching him off guard as he hurries to cover his mouth.  He takes another sip of water, but it happens again.

                Hide laughs, and Kaneki glares at him.  The pain makes it hard to put much venom in the look though.

                “Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh, you just looked funny,” Hide says.  “You…look a little green now though.  Kaneki, are you alright?”

                Kaneki nods, standing.  “Fine, it’s just a stomach bug or something.  I’ll be right back.”

                “If you’re sick we should go,” Hide says, beginning to stand as well.

                Kaneki shakes his head.  “I’ll be right back Hide, you hardly need to come to the bathroom with me.”  Kaneki hurries away, pausing to ask a waiter for directions to the restroom.  He can’t stop looking at the man’s throat.  He’s practically jogging by the time he reaches the bathroom.  He pushes open the door to find two men already inside.  Kaneki bolts right back out, letting the door close before they even have a chance to see him.  His heart is pounding, and he wildly wonders if it’s Rize’s or his own.  Which organs are hers, and which his own, anyway?  No one had bothered to tell him.  He has the sudden urge to find out, to tear hers out and demand new ones.  He dashes out of the restaurant, gasping in breaths of the cool night air as he staggers into the alley.

                He groans as his stomach lurches, giving a painful gurgling sound that might mean he’s hungry, might mean he’s sick, Kaneki is no longer sure.  Possibly both.

                His knees shake, so he leans against the side of the building for support as he clutches an arm around his middle and tries to compose his breathing.  He hadn’t meant to let himself get so worked up.  He should’ve been able to get through one simple meal with Hide, shouldn’t he have?  But apparently not, because he can still taste the human food on his tongue and he can still smell the humans in his nose. 

Heat pricks behind his eyes and it rolls down his cheeks in tears when he buckles over, heaving up all he had just eaten.  He’s on his knees, and if the food had tasted bad on the way down, it tastes even worse coming back up.  Once his stomach is empty, he finds himself dry-heaving, puking up bile.  And still he is hungry.  Feeling detatched, he thinks of how odd it is to feel hungry right now, after having just thrown up and with his stomach still tied in knots and the stench of the food rotting in the garbages nearby making him want to gag all over again. 

                He can’t stop the sob from shaking his shoulders.  He clamps a hand over his mouth to keep himself quiet, but a small whimper still escapes.  He squeezes his eyes shut.  Then a hand is rubbing soothing circles on his back.

                Hide is there, making soft hushing noises as he kneels beside Kaneki, rubbing his shaking shoulders.

                Kaneki flinches, eyes widening.  He scrambles back until he’s pressed against the wall, staring at Hide with his chest heaving.  Even if he thought running was the best thing to do, he’s unsure his legs would carry him.  They feel weak and limp as the noodles he’d just finished throwing up. 

                Hide holds his hands up, palms open.  His eyes are wide and calm, his entire posture composed save for the slight tension in his shoulders.  Kaneki analyzes his posture and hates the way it makes him feel like a feral animal, half-crazed with hunger and backed into a corner.  Hates the way that comparison feels like the truth.

                “It’s ok, Kaneki,” Hide says, nearly whispering.  “It’s alright.”

                Kaneki shakes his head.  “It’s just a stomach ache,” he says, voice raspy.  It breaks, pitching up before fading out the way it had back in grade school, the way it still does when he’s upset.  “I’ll be better in a minute.”

                Hide smiles, very softly, and Kaneki wonders if he’s imagining the way his eyes appear watery in the reflection of the fluorescent lights from the street.  “It’s not going to go away, Kaneki,” he says.  Kaneki can hear both their hearts beating.  “I know, Kaneki.  And I’m not going to go away either.  It’s ok.  Come here.” 

Kaneki doesn’t move, can’t move.  Hide draws closer, and Kaneki wishes he would run, but instead he takes a cloth he’d brought out from the restaurant and dabs at the sweat beading on Kaneki’s forehead, wiping any remnants from his mouth.  Hide’s hand is so close to his mouth.  Kaneki turns his head away so the cloth is pressed to the side of his lips, eyes screwed shut.  Tears still manage to leak out.  He wants to speak, but his throat feels raw and swollen, his tongue a limp piece of meat sitting in his mouth.

                Hide sighs.  “You’re the most stubborn person I know.  Please, come here.”  He pulls Kaneki into his arms.  Kaneki tenses up, and so does Hide.  He wills his stomach to be silent, wills himself to be silent, will the world to be mute and the only sound to be Hide’s deep breathing.  Then he goes limp, letting himself lean against Hide’s warm chest and weep.  He takes a fistful of Hide’s dress shirt, pushing his head against the crook of his neck and sobbing.  He dissolves into more hiccups and sniffles as Hide continues to rub circles into his back and make soft shushing sounds.

                His head feels the clearest it’s been in months.  With that clarity comes the need to push Hide away.  He does, unable to look at him as he pushes himself up, swaying slightly on his feet as he stumbles back.

                “I know, Kaneki,” Hide says, almost pleading.  “Please, don’t push me away any more.  It doesn’t matter, not to me, let me in.”

                “I- Hide,” Kaneki says, immediately hating how weak he sounds, how needy, how broken.  Another sob wrenches out of his throat.  And now his stomach is back to just being empty once again.  “What…what are you talking about?”

                Hide stands, stepping forwards.  “You know what I’m talking about.  But I think you need to say it.  Why have you been so withdrawn, Kaneki?”

                “I don’t want to hurt you,” Kaneki whispers.  “I can’t hurt you.”  He also can’t meet the gentle openness of Hide’s gaze. 

                “And you haven’t,” Hide says.  “What makes you think you will?”

                Kaneki knows he’s prodding him for answers he doesn’t think he can give.  Hide steps forward.  He brings his hand up to cup the side of Kaneki’s face.  He unhooks the eye-patch from behind Kaneki’s ear.

                Kaneki immediately looks down, covering his face with his hands.

                “Kaneki,” Hide says, voice more forceful but still quiet.  “Look at me.”

                He shakes his head.  Takes his hands from his face.  Kaneki turns his gaze upwards, trembling as he meets Hide’s eyes.  Hide moves so both hands are on the side of Kaneki’s face, not forcing him to look up, just holding him.

                “Hide,” Kaneki whispers, twitching with the effort of not averting his gaze, not running away.  “I’m a ghoul.”

                Hide smiles.  Then he laughs.  Quietly, but still enough to startle Kaneki.  He braces himself for biting words.  Instead, Hide says, “Well geez Ken, I couldn’t tell.”

                Kaneki’s eyes widen.  Hide studies both of them, the grey and the black one.  “Yup.  Same old Kaneki, dense as ever.  Will you come back to my place with me?  Let me help you, get you cleaned up.  Sorry, I’m also a little paranoid.  Don’t want you running off on me.”

                Kaneki lets himself be lead down the sidewalk, pulling his hood over his face to hide his eye and to spare himself from constantly checking Hide’s expression, wondering when he’ll wake up from the dream.  His mind is going too fast for him to keep up, and the relief of having someone else look out for him, make the decisions for him, is too amazing to fight against.

                Hide unlocks the door, guiding Kaneki inside.  “You can take the hood off now.  Unless I’m that awful to look at.”

                Kaneki slides it off, looking at Hide.  “So you…you knew?”

                Hide nods.  “At first I was just suspicious.  But you’re my best friend; I’m hardly not going to notice something like this.”

                “I’m your…your what?”

                “My best, most idiotic and frustrating friend of all time forever?”

                “I…am?”

                “Yeah, I’m having a hard time thinking of anyone more idiotic or frustrating right now.”

                “I’m your best friend?” Kaneki says.

                “Kaneki, you have been practically since we met!  You didn’t think I’d…” Hide sighs.  “Of course you did.  Listen, Kaneki, you’re my best friend, ok?  I get if I’m not yours, but you’re important to me.  I could hardly just sit back and watch you suffer, so I’m sorry about making you go out to dinner, but it was the only way I could think of getting you to talk to me other than just breaking into your house.”

                “You’re my best friend too.”  Kaneki rushes to say it all in one breath, feeling the need to make sure Hide knows it.  “I’m sorry, I know I’ve been blowing you off, I just- I was so afraid Hide, I thought you might- and everything’s been just so screwed up, I couldn’t have you- how are you even talking to me?  I’m…I’m n-not really a, a human, Hide!  I…I…” _eat people._ Kaneki can’t bring himself to say it. The unspoken words hang in the air between them.

                There’s a pause in which Kaneki swears he can feel his heart stop, and then Hide sighs. “Well, nobody’s perfect, Ken.”

                A burst of laughter forces its way out of Kaneki’s throat.  It takes them both by surprise.  Then he can’t stop, and neither can Hide, and it feels so easy.

                “You should’ve said something, you bastard,” Hide says, catching his breath.  “I missed you.  I want to be there for you.”

                “And I want to keep you safe,” Kaneki says.  “I’ve been trying to do that, Hide, this whole time.”

                Hide shakes his head.  “Nope.  My turn.  You did a good job, seeing as I’m in one piece, but no more lone-wolfing for you.”

                “Lone-wolfing?”

                “Whatever.  You get it yet?  I’m not very easy to get rid of, Kaneki.  Think of me like a growth.  On your lung.  Do you want one lung, Kaneki?  Because that’s the only way you’re getting rid of me.”

                “I might have Rize’s lungs,” Kaneki blurts out.

                “Huh?”

                Kaneki’s face heats up.  His hands flutter in noncommittal gestures as he stammers to explain.  “That’s how this all happened, you know?  She attacked me that night, but there was an accident and she died, so the doctor- he transplanted her organs into me, right?  And then I…I was this, I’m a monster, Hide!  And I was so scared, and so, so…”  His stomach takes that as its cue to remind him of its emptiness.  Shame colors his face and the tips of his ears crimson.  He wraps his arms around himself, wishing he could shrink and disappear and that Hide could forget all about this.

                “I’m sorry,” he says.  “Sorry, Hide.  I sh-should go.”

                “Shit, I totally forgot!  I’m the one who should be saying sorry.  I forgot you were, you know, hungry,” Hide says, blushing a bit himself.  “Where are you going?” he asks, following Kaneki to the door.

                “To my place,” Kaneki says, wincing as his stomach feels like its folding in on itself.  Hide’s hand is on his shoulder.  His smell is all over Kaneki’s clothes, his skin, his face- he can still feel Hide’s hands on his cheeks, so close, too close.  He flinches away.

                “Can I come?” Hide asks.

                “Are you crazy?” Kaneki says, whirling around.  He doesn’t mean to snap, but he feels strung out, like Hide has gutted him and hung out his insides on a clothes line, all the rot inside him there on display.  “After everything I just told you?”

                “I just- you’re not going to disappear on me, are you?” Hide asks.

                “No, I won’t, I promise, just don’t- don’t follow me!” Kaneki says.  “Really, Hide, please, there are some things you should just…leave alone.”

                “Ok,” Hide says, and Kaneki runs, leaving him looking very small in his doorway.


	2. Chapter 2

~~~~

His hands are shaking too hard to turn the key in his door. 

                “Fuck!” he mutters, shoving a hand through his hair, forgetting his hood was up.  He yanks it back on, casting a glance behind him.  No one.  Good.  That means he can break down for the second time in one night in peace.  He bites his lip, too hard, tastes blood.  He whines, wishing he could yank his stomach out, dissociate himself from the rabid hunger that is coming alive inside of him.  It pushes at his edges, leaving no room for Kaneki Ken, just hunger, Rize’s hunger, his hunger. 

                The key slots in.  He stumbles inside, finding the package from Anteiku in his fridge.  The old, familiar repulsion dances at the edges of his mind, in the little space left from the hunger.  In seconds the smell takes its place, leaving no room for anything old or familiar.  Tears streak his cheeks silently as he devours, everything in him begging for more.  He doesn’t even bother trying to slow himself down, long past the point of preserving any human dignity as he practically inhales partially chewed pieces of meat.

He chokes on a groan, disgusted and elated, finally sinking to his knees, hunger sated; now sitting like a rock in his stomach.  He feels too full.  He thinks it’s a feeling Rize would have liked.  Not him.  He can still smell Hide on his skin.  To his horror he feels the faintest flicker of hunger rear back up in his stomach at the smell, despite the nausea of having overeaten in such a short amount of time.  He pushes it down, lying on his side on the cold tiles and wishing this awful feeling in his chest could be enough to kill him.

                After a while, he forces himself up.  His stomach sloshes.  Kaneki grimaces.  He remembers Hide.  Hide who didn’t run, didn’t hate him, who held him.  That’s enough to make him feel more human than he has in months, despite the taste of the meat still in his mouth.  He cleans the counter, brushes his teeth, takes a shower.  He inspects himself in the foggy mirror, the softness still in the slight curves of his body, and wonders if he still has the luxury of looking this way.  Looking human and well-fed and like he’s never had to fight for his life.  He wishes he could clean his insides as well.  Kaneki puts on soft, baggy clothes, and is towel drying his damp hair when there’s a knock at the door.  His heart sputters in his chest.  Who knocks this late at night?

                He creeps to the door, peering through the peep hole.  He nearly falls over at the sight of Hide’s eyeball, huge and pressed against the glass.

                “Hide!” he says, opening the door.  Hide too has showered, his hair dripping onto his jacket. 

                “Long time no see,” he says.  “Am I interrupting anything?”

                “No, what would you be…never mind.  Just- come in,” Kaneki says, opening the door wider.

                Hide looks around, like he expects a pile of bodies in the kitchen.  “I feel like I haven’t been here in forever!  Do you still have the jacket I leant you?”  Or maybe he wasn’t.

                “Um, I’m sure I do, let me check,” Kaneki says.  He looks down at himself and feels his face warming. “Uh, yeah, I do, do you want it right now?”

                “I mean, it’s not like I need it right this second!  Why, did you- ha!”  Hide laughs as Kaneki tugs self-consciously on the sleeves of Hide’s jacket.  He hadn’t even noticed when he pulled it on, but now the smell is unmistakable, even after a couple washings.  Other than his diet, his sense of smell had been one of the biggest changes since becoming a ghoul.  He can even smell the mint of the toothpaste on Hide’s breath from across the room.  Or maybe Hide just has really, really minty toothpaste.  The thought makes Kaneki smile.

                “So, you good now?” Hide asks.

                Kankei nods, looking down.  “Do you want anything?  I have, um, coffee, and some cereal and stuff.”

                “Nah, I ate something before I came over,” Hide says.  “Why do you have that stuff?”

                “I can drink coffee,” Kaneki says.  “And in case anyone ever came over, it looks sort of weird not to have any food.”

                Hide nods.  “Oh.”

                They’re silent for a moment.  The initial anger at Hide having come over despite Kaneki telling him not to is quick to fade now that he’s standing right in front of him.  He’d missed this, Kaneki realizes.  Hide’s impromptu visits with little more than a text telling Kaneki he’d be there soon.  Then the words Kaneki’s been dying to say burst out of him.  “I don’t kill people.”

                Hide looks at him, surprised.  “I didn’t say you did.”  He pauses, looking around as though the room might tell him the words he wants to say.  “I mean, I…wasn’t sure.  So what do you do?”

                “Anteiku,” Kaneki says, momentary resolve gone, leaving a child-like uncertainty behind.  “They…in exchange for me working, I mean.  They’re suicides.  I just wanted you to know.”

                Hide swallows.  He nods.  Digests the words.  “That’s good.  I mean, you know, not good you have to- or that they died, just that- I’m glad you’ve got people to support you.”

                “Like you,” Kaneki says.  “Thank you, Hide.  Thank you so much.”

                “Hey, that’s just the kinda guy I am,” Hide says.  “So what do you wanna do?  I know you said not to come over, but I couldn’t help it.  You didn’t look too good when you left, I wanted to make sure you were ok.  Please don’t kick me out, by the way.  It’s really dark out there.”

                “I won’t,” Kaneki says.  “If you don’t mind staying here, with me.”

                Hide sighs.  “I’m just gonna have to get used to you saying stuff like that, aren’t I?” he says.  “I don’t think you’re gonna eat me in my sleep, Kaneki.”

                “Um, good, since I wasn’t planning on it,” Kaneki says.  He looks away, down at the ground.  Relief and shame, happiness and lingering fear all stir the sick feeling back up in his stomach.  “I’m really tired, Hide.  Do you mind if we just watch some TV?”

                “No, sounds great,” Hide says, sitting on the couch.  Kaneki joins him, giving Hide the remote.  He flips absently through channels, finally settling on a nature documentary.  The narrator’s droning voice lulls them into a stupor, and eventually to sleep.

                Kaneki wakes to the sound of cereal being poured into a bowl.  It had become such a foreign noise to hear in his own home that at first he can’t place why he’s hearing it.  Then he smells Hide, and remembers the night before.  All the negativity he’d held seems to have dissolved.  Food and sleep have made his body feel refreshed.  He feels so light.  Kaneki practically floats off the couch and into the kitchen.

                “Good morning, Sleeping Beauty,” Hide says around a mouthful of cereal.          

                Kaneki wrinkles his nose.  “Chew with your mouth closed.”

                Hide rolls his eyes.  “Sorry.  I forgot I was in the presence of a gourmet.”

                Kaneki grimaces.

                “What?” Hide asks.  “Bad joke?”

                “Well, not for the reasons you think,” Kaneki says, recalling Tsukiyama’s leering face.  “It just, um, reminded me of this guy who wants to eat me.”

                Hide nearly spews his cereal.  “What?  Yeah, we have a lot of catching up to do.  I expect to hear all about this, in detail.  Also, I hope you don’t mind me eating your food.”

                Kaneki scoffs.  “That’s sort of what it’s here for, Hide.”  Even the smell of the food and the memory of Tsukiyama can’t deflate his mood.

                “Oh, I have this for you too,” Hide says, fishing Kaneki’s eye-patch out of his pocket.  “Not that I’m saying you need to wear it now, just, you know, I wasn’t gonna leave it behind.”

                “Thanks,” Kaneki says, taking it.  He slips it over his face.  “Trade you for your jacket.”

                “Nah, you can keep it,” Hide says.  “I already got another anyway.”

                “What?  No way!  It’s yours!”

                “Whatever!  It looks better on you anyway,” Hide says.

                “Hm, yeah, really accentuates my athlete’s body,” Kaneki says.

                Hide once again narrowly avoids spraying Kaneki with cereal.  “Who are you and what have you done with Kaneki Ken?”

                “There’s no Kaneki Ken here,” Kaneki says, deepening his voice and grinning.  “This is the home of the…body-snatching ghoul.”

                Hide cracks up, tilting his head back with laughter.  “You had me worried, but I see your crappy humor hasn’t changed.”

                “You dare to insult me in my own home?  I am an S-Rated body-snatcher!”

                ‘”You think you’re so funny, don’t you,” Hide says, grinning.  “You know what’s funnier?  Your face last night.  You gotta practice the I-am-a-normal-human-eating-food expression, bud.”

                Kaneki is surprised to find the joke doesn’t hurt.  Not with the way Hide says it.  “It was that bad?”

                “I was about to call the thing off as soon as we were served,” Hide says.  “You looked like you were gonna hurl.  And I guess you did.  Sorry about that.  It’s your fault though.  You should’ve said something sooner.”

                “Yeah, well, forgive my reluctance.  What did you want me to say?  Oh, hey Hide, nice haircut, and have I mentioned I eat people?”  Kaneki freezes, looking at Hide with wide eyes, an apology on the tip of his tongue.  He hadn’t mean to say that, and certainly not so flippantly.  “Um, sorry, geez I really-”

                Hide laughs.  “Your face again!  Yeah, that’s exactly what I wanted.  And I would’ve said something like oh, gee, you don’t say?  Well damn, there goes our dinner date.”

                Kaneki tries to control his laughter.  “I really shouldn’t joke about it, it’s just one of those things that’s so screwed up I don’t know what else to do.”

                “It’s ok,” Hide says.  “I’m here, so you don’t have to do this alone.  I know you’ve got your friends at Anteiku, but I still want to be there, ok?”

                “And I still want you here,” Kaneki says, feeling stupid and grateful all at once.  “So…thanks.”

                “Anytime,” Hide says, slinging his arm around Kaneki, who flinches.  They stare at each other.  “We’ll have to work on that,” Hide says.

                Kaneki nods.  “Yeah.  We can."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a bit more silly, but I wanted to update before starting on school work. I'd like to thank everyone who left their lovely comments, I appreciate you took the time to do so:) I wasn't sure I wanted to post such a short and light chapter, but it seemed a good place to end before the next scene. Oh, I also made a playlist for this on 8tracks under the same name, if you're interested in what I like to listen to while writing, haha. Thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Setting up a bit of conflict, basically everyone but Kaneki being a tool, you know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm sorry this chapter has taken so long- I somehow deleted my rough draft, and with exams I didn't have time to rewrite it. So I'm less happy with this version than I was with the original, and I apologize for any mistakes I may have made in my hurry, but I really wanted to get this one done (and posted on Kaneki's birthday wow what a coincidence huh). Now with winter break, I'll have more free time to write though:) Again, sorry for the long wait.

                 Touka is torn from her early-morning trance by Hide and Kaneki walking into Anteiku, snorting with laughter.  She raises a brow, eyeing Hide’s arm slung around Kaneki’s shoulder.

                “Good morning, Kaneki,” she says.  “You look happy.”

                “Hey Touka,” Kaneki says, grin beginning to fade.  He glances at Hide, who gives him an encouraging nod.  “Yeah…um, listen, a lot of stuff happened on Friday.  I…please, I know you’ll be angry, but let me explain.”

                “It’s too early for this,” Touka says.  She glares at Hide.  “Did you get him into trouble?  At least order something if you’re going to be corrupting my co-workers.”

                Hide leans his elbows on the counter.  “I hear you offer some alternative choices.  I’ll take my coffee black, with the local flavor.”

                Touka’s eyes widen.  She looks from Hide to Kaneki, who wilts, forcing a queasy smile.

                “Hide, why did you say that,” Kaneki groans.

                “What did he say to me?” Touka asks.  Her eyes calculate the sum of their expressions.  They equal disaster.  “Is he saying what I think he’s saying?”

                “He- listen, please, let me just- it’s not Hide’s fault, Touka.”

                “What did I tell you?” Touka asks, walking around the counter to look Kaneki in the eyes.

                His gaze slides, heavy, from her face to the floor as he brings his hands together.  “Ah- look, Touka, Hide didn’t do anything wrong.  He’s known, and- he’s not going to do anything, ok?  It’s ok.”

                “Ok?  Will it be ok if he goes to the CCG?” Touka says.

                “Whoa, hey!  I’m sorry, I didn’t wanna intrude on what you guys have going on here, but Kaneki is my best friend.  I’d never turn you guys in!  I wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt him, Touka,” Hide says, serious now.  The gravity of the situation settling onto his shoulders.  He adjusts to the new weight.

                Something flickers across Touka’s face.  Something fleeting and akin to envy and an old hurt.  Then it’s gone, replaced by a steady anger. She takes Kaneki by the shoulders, spinning him to face Hide.  “You say that now, when he looks like Kaneki, looks like your best friend.  But I’ve seen him with his kagune, with his face covered in blood.”

                Hide’s eyes widen, unsure whether to settle on Kaneki’s petrified face or Touka.

                “Would you say that if you’d seen him the way I have?  Starving, like an animal in an alley, on his knees and practically begging me to give him-”

                “Stop!” Kaneki says, tearing from Touka’s grasp and spinning to face her.  His face is red.  “Touka, stop, please don’t do this!  I know you want us all to be safe, but I trust Hide, and you- need to trust me, too, just this once!”

                Touka goes still.  Her hands hang, empty at her sides as she looks from Kaneki to Hide.

                “I’m sorry, both of you, maybe we should’ve thought about this more, Kaneki…  I’ll see you later, ok?” Hide says, walking until his back is pressed against the front door.  The bells jangle above his head as he leaves, eyes on Kaneki until the last moment, when he turns and hurries away.

                “Hide, wait,” Kaneki says, taking a half-hearted step forward.  He stops, shoulders drooping.

                “Kaneki,” Touka starts.

                “Don’t,” he says.  She startles at the unfamiliar sound of his clipped voice.  “Don’t,” he repeats, not turning to look at her.  “I’m going to say good morning to Hinami.”

                She watches his back disappear up the stairs.  She feels an emptiness in her chest and doesn’t move for several silent moments.

                Outside Hinami’s room, Kaneki stops.  He leans against the wall, closing his eyes and letting the darkness soothe his pounding heart.  His throat and eyes feel tight, but he doesn’t let himself cry.  He takes a deep breath and opens Hinami’s door, her bright smile managing to distract him.

Hinami runs up to give Kaneki a hug as soon as he walks in her room. 

                “Hello, Hinami!” Kaneki says, smiling as he leans down to hug her back.  “Touka told me you got a new book?”

                “I did!” HInami says, holding up a children’s story that Kaneki recognizes.  It’s not as difficult as what they started with, but he’s glad she’ll be able to see her progress by reading it.

                They sit, Hinami opening her notebook.  An hour into their lesson, Hinami says, “What were you and Touka arguing about?”

                Kaneki rubs the back of his neck, looking down at her book.  “Ah…it’s nothing to worry about, Hinami.  Just…she gets worried for me sometimes, but, we don’t always agree on if she should be, or how she should handle that.”

                Hinami nods.  “She loves you a lot.”

                Kaneki is slightly taken aback. “Yeah, I guess… she does.  I…love her too.”

                “Well this is heartwarming.”

                Kaneki’s head jerks up, his face reddening at the sight of Touka and Nishiki standing in the doorway.  Touka’s arms are crossed, face blank while Nishiki is wearing a grin, laughing.

                “How long have you guys been there!” Kaneki says, wishing he could crawl behind Hinami and hide.

                “I love her, too!”  Nishiki pushes his voice into an awful falsetto imitation of Kaneki.

                Kaneki glances between them in dismay.

                “You look like a tomato,” Nishiki says, snickering. 

                Kaneki looks at Hinami for support, only to find her covering her mouth with a dainty hand, eyes crinkled in laughter.

                “If you’re done making fun of me, I was trying to help Hinami,” Kaneki says, glaring at both of them. 

                “Oh, are we making you mad?  What’re you gonna do, cry on me?  I think you’ve done enough of that to Touka already,” Nishiki says.

                “What?”  Kaneki says, the anger of this morning turning in his stomach and making him feel sick.

                “I did not say he cried all over me,” Touka says, now glaring at Nishiki.  She pinches his arm.

                “Ouch!  Geez, Touka!  I’m just joking around!” Nishiki says.

                “It’s ok Kaneki,” Hinami says. 

                “Yeah, Kaneki,” Nishiki says.  “Cry all you want.”

                Hinami glares at him.  Her eyes spark red.  “It’s perfectly fine to cry.  Don’t make fun of him.”

                “I wasn’t even crying!  What the hell do you want!  Sorry, Hinami.  Touka, if you have something to say to me, please refrain from sharing it with Nishiki first,” Kaneki says.

                “You really pissed him off, didn’t you,” Nishiki says, looking Kaneki up and down.

                Touka winces.  “Nishiki.  Shut up.  Kaneki, may I have a word?”

                Kaneki sighs, standing.  “I’m sorry Hinami, we can continue our lesson later, ok?”

                “Ok,” she says.  “Come back soon!”

                Kaneki shoves past Touka and Nishiki to get into the hallway.  “What do you want this time?” he says.

                “I…wanted to apologize,” Touka says.  “First, Nishiki, get out of here, you’ve stuck your nose in this enough.  Someone needs to be at the counter.”

                “Whatever,” Nishiki says.  “Like I wanted to hear this anyways.”  He walks ahead of them down the stairs, Touka leading Kaneki into her room.

                “Listen, Kaneki,” Touka says.  “I may have overstepped myself in front of Hide this morning.  It wasn’t really my place to say those things, and I hope you can forgive me.”          

                “It’s ok, Touka,” he says.  He’s surprised to find the anger rapidly evaporating, replaced by the empty sick feeling he’s grown all too familiar with in the past few months.  “I’m more worried about Hide forgiving me.”

                “That’s what I was trying to get you to understand,” Touka says.  “I just don’t want you to be hurt if he…if he were to be less accepting.”

                “Well, we were both being hurt be me ignoring him,” Kaneki says.  “I’d rather it be this way…at least everything’s in the open.”

                “Everything?” Touka says.  “Everything you didn’t want me saying this morning?”

                Kaneki winces.  “Well, it wasn’t exactly the most, ah, delicate way to put things, Touka.  I appreciate you looking out for me, really, I just- I’m not sure Hide needs to hear about you offering me a human hand to eat.”

                “Fine,” Touka says.  “And I didn’t tell Nishiki you cried all over me either.  Don’t listen to him, he’s an idiot.”

                “I don’t care about that,” Kaneki says.  Images of Nishiki’s shoe over Hide’s head flash through his mind.  His hunger.  Hide, bleeding, unconscious, helpless, vulnerable.  He looks away from Touka.  “Why tell him about that though?”

                Now Touka averts her gaze.  “I really am sorry, Kaneki.  He was the only person around I could ask how I should apologize.”

                “You needed advice on how to apologize to me?”

                “Not everyone has an easy time with words, Kaneki!  Given this morning, I thought you’d know that.  No one said this was an easy life, and having Hide involved isn’t going to make it easier, but if you bring him around again…I won’t make a scene.”

                “Thank you, Touka.  He’s just- he’s important.  I don’t care if he doesn’t really mean it when he says it’s ok.  I don’t care if it doesn’t work out.  Can’t I just…pretend, for right now, that we can be the same?  That he does mean it?  Is that really so bad?”

                Touka’s eyes melt, just a bit.  She seems to wilt into herself.  “It might be, Kaneki,” she murmurs.  “For you.  But for now, let’s just work with what we have, ok?”

                Kaneki nods.  He thinks, if they were both different sorts of people, people like Hide for whom bridging that impenetrable wall of air between bodies is simple as breathing, he would’ve hugged her.  As is, he can only offer a wavering smile, which she can only accept with a nod of her head.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love Hide being very interested in everything ghoul-related, for Kaneki's sake and just out of his own curiosity. Also, I swear I don't hate Nishiki, I'm just not above using him as a plot device. I hope you enjoy:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've now caught up with what I had pre-written (but I have more planned)! Thank goodness for winter break, I love the extra time to write. Two chapters in a row to make up for the long pause. Thanks to everyone who's stuck with this story, and anyone else taking the time to read it now! As usual, if you see any mistakes or have suggestions, I welcome critique.

The rest of the day passes quickly, but Kaneki is in a blur from the morning’s activities.  Touka is softer with him, making an obvious effort to catch herself before snapping at him for putting the dishes away wrong or not using the right blend of coffee. 

                “How’s Yoriko?” Kaneki asks as they are mopping the floors at the end of the day.  He doesn’t usually try to pry into her life unsolicited, but she’d been more open.  He felt as if some unspoken barrier had been lowered between them- not destroyed, not disappeared, but distinctly more approachable.

                “She’s fine,” Touka says.  An uncharacteristically soft smile graces her face.  “She still brings me platefuls of food every time she comes over.  She wants to be a chef so badly.  I wish I could be part of that.”  She pauses, looking surprised to have said that aloud.

                “Well…can’t  you be?” Kaneki says after a moment.  “I mean, sure you can’t taste her food, but there’s more to cooking that just eating what you make, isn’t there?  Could you just cook with her, or even just send her recipes?  I bet that would make her happy, to know you’d thought of her during your day.”

                Touka stares at him, blinking slowly.  “Kaneki Ken, you’re a sap.”  She looks down, letting her hair conceal her face.  “Maybe I could do that.  Can I ask you something, Kaneki?”

                “Of course!” he says.  His phone begins to ring shrilly from his pocket.  He fumbles for it, nearly dropping the obnoxiously jangling electronic.

                “Ah, sorry!” he says, starting to mute it.  He glances at the screen, and can’t help his smile.  Hide.  For so long, seeing his face light up his phone screen had made him feel horribly lonely, but now…well, Hide knowing wasn’t so bad after all.  Not even after this morning’s events.  Kaneki felt guilty now, looking at Hide’s insanely grinning contact photo, for wondering if Hide would call him after work like he’d said.  If he’d ever call him again.

                “Hide?” Touka murmurs.

                “Yeah,” Kaneki says, still smiling as he mutes the phone. 

                “You should answer him,” Touka says, returning to mopping.

                “Huh?  That’s ok Touka, he can wait just a minute, what is it?”

                She shakes her head.  “It’s nothing, I can ask you later.  We’re pretty much done here, take his call.”

                “Oh…thanks,” Kaneki says.  “I’ll see you tomorrow then, Touka.”

                She looks very small through the windows, putting the mop back.

                “Hide?” Kaneki says, breaking into a grin as he begins walking home.

                “I thought you weren’t gonna answer!” Kaneki holds the phone away from his ear, Hide’s voice blasting through the speaker.

                “Sorry, I was cleaning up!  What is it?”

                “Oh, sorry.  Ok.  So, I rented some movies, because there are a lot we missed when you were MIA, do you want to maybe come over and watch them?”

                “Yes,” Kaneki says.

                “Yes?”

                “Yeah, that’s what I said.”

                “Cool, cool, ok, can you come now?”

                “Um…I think I’ll at least change first,” Kaneki says.

                “Of course, yeah, see you soon.” 

                Kaneki ends the call, hurrying to change before arriving at Hide’s house.

                Hide fans out the stack of movies on his table. 

                “I wasn’t sure what you’d be in the mood for, so I got a bunch.  What’ll it be, Kaneki?  Are you up for the scariest film of the year?”

                “Are you?” Kaneki asks, trying not to smile.  He’d never been the biggest horror fan, but Hide was even worse.  He’d psych himself up, using Kaneki’s unease to build up his ego, and then end up watching the movie through his fingers. 

                “Hell yeah,” Hide says.

                “Maybe we should start with the romance,” Kaneki says.

                “Blech, no.  That’s for after the horror.”

                “You pick,” Kaneki says, walking over to Hide’s pantry.  He peers inside, reaching for the box of popcorn at the back.

                “Uh, looking for a snack?” Hide asks.

                Kaneki holds up the box.  “No butter?  Hide, if you’re dieting, this isn’t the place to cut calories.  Live your life.”

                “That’s all they had at the store!” Hide says.

                Kaneki puts a bag in the microwave.

                “Um, ok, I’ll go get this set up,” Hide says, giving Kaneki a confused look before leaving him to wait for the popcorn.  He pours it into a bowl and joins Hide on the couch.

                “I put in the drama,” he says.

                Kaneki nods.  He sets the bowl between them.

                “You didn’t have to make that,” Hide says.  “I wasn’t going to.”

                “But I always make the popcorn,” Kaneki says, eyes fixed on the screen where a car speeds down a deserted highway.

                “I just feel sort of bad eating it,” Hide says.

                “That’s stupid,” Kaneki says.  “That’s like never eating peanut butter just because I’m allergic.  Or something.”

                “I guess it seems stupid if you put it that way,” Hide says.  He watches the screen, picking at the popcorn.  He waits a few minutes before speaking again.  “Do you miss it?  Eating?”

                Kaneki can’t help but smile.  “I was waiting for you to start asking questions.”

                “I hope it doesn’t bother you,” Hide says.  His eyes shine with more curiosity than apology.  “It’s just- wow, you’re really a ghoul!  I’ve just, I mean, I’ve known, but now I can actually talk to you about it.  If you’re ok with that, that is.”

                “Don’t worry,” Kaneki says, slightly taken aback by Hide’s enthusiasm.  He’d known Hide had a slight preoccupation with reading about ghouls in the past, so he’d expected questions, just not sincere curiosity.  “I mean, I’d rather you ask me, than someone else…  I do miss it.  No other ghouls I know have ever tasted human food, but I can still remember it, so it can be difficult.  It’s weird to remember something one way, and have it be completely different in the present, you know?”

                “Yeah,” Hide says, staring intently at him.

                Kaneki averts his gaze.  “I mean, there are worse things that could happen…it’s ok.”

                Hide grimaces.  “I can’t imagine not being able to eat anything I used to like!  What about your regenerative abilities?  They’re enhanced, right?”

                “Um, yes,” Kaneki says.  “I heal very quickly, which has been useful, since uh, I’ve gotten a bit beat up since this all started.  Rize was apparently always a fast healer, even by ghoul standards.”

                Hide nods.  “I’ve heard about abilities like that.  What about your… your kagune?”

                Kaneki looks down at his lap, lacing his fingers.  “What about it?”

                “I’ve read there are different kinds,” Hide says.  “Can I see…I mean, what does yours look like?”

                Kaneki’s shoulders draw up as though to protect himself from Hide’s eyes.  “Oh, um, Hide, I don’t think I- I’m hardly going to just…I don’t like to use them if I don’t need them, it’s very draining, and- this isn’t about what Touka said this morning, is it?”

                “Sorry, I understand!  I was just wondering, I’ve read it requires energy which is why high-rated ghouls are stronger since they typically eat more, and- yeah.  I was curious anyway, but honestly, yes, I’ve been thinking about what she said.”

                “Oh,” Kaneki says.  He feels very small.  Hide’s been thinking about it?  Picturing Kaneki covered in blood, growling like an animal- worse, attacking someone? 

                “Hey,” Hide says, leaning forward to see Kaneki’s face.  His breath against Kaneki’s neck sends shivers through his skin.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.  It doesn’t change things, Kaneki.  It doesn’t change how I feel.  I mean, how could it, I already knew that.  Ever since you were in the hospital.”

                “That long?” Kaneki says, nearly choking on the words.

                “I just knew something was off.  Especially after Rize turned up dead, and you’d never talk about what happened.”

                “I have her kagune,” Kaneki says.  “Since you were wondering.”  He remembers it.  No, not remembers- it’s a moment he can sink back into, sometimes unwillingly.  She lives inside him.  Her kagune through his chest, moving inside him, puncturing and scrambling.  He hasn’t felt right since.  Put back together all wrong.  Everything rearranged inside of him, patched back up like a monstrous ragdoll creation.  Her face above him.  The shock, more than anything- how easily his body gave, like butter to a hot knife.  The feeling when skin broke, open, teeth.

                “Kaneki?”

                Kaneki startles out of the memory, dragging himself back to the present.  “They’re like tentacles,” he says, softly.

                “Cool,” Hide says, eyes wide like he really does think it’s cool.  “One more question?”

                “Go for it,” Kaneki sighs.

                “You and Touka,” Hide says.  It takes Kaneki a moment, but Hide’s smirk and rising eyebrows get the point across.

                “What?  No!” Kaneki says, feeling his face redden.  He laughs.  “Why would you think that?  Just because we’re both ghouls?  Please don’t ever say that in front of her.  If I recall, you’re the one who thought she was cute.”

                “Well, you know, given your past taste in girls, I had to ask,” Hide says.  “I’ve moved on.”  He laughs, but quickly tries to stop at the sight of Kaneki’s unamused glare.  “Sorry!  Sorry, ok, that was a dumb question.”

                Kaneki rolls his eyes.  “You’re ridiculous.  And now I totally missed the beginning of this movie.”

                “Eh, you like talking to me more anyway,” Hide says.

                “Just keep telling yourself that,” Kaneki says.  He turns his gaze to the television, but out of the corner of his eye watches Hide’s expression of exaggerated hurt.

                “You’ve grown cold in our time apart,” Hide moans.  “What’s a guy to do?”

                “Let me watch the movie and eat your popcorn,” Kaneki says.  He can’t remember the last time he felt more at home.

                Hours later, Kaneki’s attention is devoted to scrolling through cooking websites on Hide’s laptop, and Hide himself is trying hard not to cry at the emotional confession scene of the romance playing on the television.

                “What are you doing?” Hide asks, tearing his gaze away from the movie before he actually tears up.  He cranes his neck to peer at the screen.  “Planning on doing some fine dining?”

                Kaneki hums, not diverting his attention.  “No, I’m finding some things I remember are good, for Touka.  She has this friend who likes to cook, and I told her she should send her some recipes, but now I feel sort of bad.  How is Touka supposed to know what’s worth cooking or not!”

                “I’m sure she would’ve been fine,” Hide says.  “But that’s really sweet of you.  Send her the one for like, bacon cupcakes or something.”

                Kaneki gives Hide an annoyed look.  “This is serious, Hide.  I’m not going to make Touka look bad.”

                “Well excuse me, I don’t know what world bacon cupcakes qualify as bad in, but whatever.”

                “I don’t really know what Yoriko likes to cook,” Kaneki murmurs absently.  “But I guess it doesn’t matter.  I hope Touka doesn’t think I’m implying she’s incompetent.  Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”

                “It’s fine, she’s probably going to just be glad she doesn’t have to do it herself,” Hide says.

                Kaneki’s phone rings.  He jumps, surprised, before hurrying to fish it out of his pocket.  His brows furrow.  “One second Hide, I guess I better take this.  Hello, Nishiki.”

                “Kaneki.”  Nishiki sounds rattled, both his usual impatience and annoyance with an underlying urgency.  “Are you at home?  Do you have anything to eat?”

                Kaneki’s eyes pop open.  He glances over at Hide, who’s looking at him quizzically.  He hopes he can’t hear Nishiki over the phone.

                “Um, no, I’m not at home,” Kaneki says, slowly.  “Why are you asking me for stuff?”

                “What, am I interrupting your busy social life?” Nishiki snarls.

                “Kind of!” Kaneki squeaks.  He hasn’t heard Nishiki that hostile towards him in a while.  He’d hoped he wouldn’t again.  “But it’s ok!  Can I help you with anything?”

                Nishiki scoffs. “Like you of all people could help with this.  Forget it.”

                “Wait!  Why can’t you just…do what we normally do?” Kaneki says.  He bites his lip, praying he’s vague enough that Hide won’t know what they’re discussing.

                “I said forget it,” Nishiki says.  “You can’t even talk about it, let alone help.  I don’t know why I bothered.  See you at work.”  The phone goes dead.

                “What was that about?” Hide asks.

                Kaneki shrugs.  “It was just Nishiki, he had a work question.”

                “Ok,” Hide says.  He doesn’t press.  “It’s still so weird, like, before you told me, I never would’ve guessed it about him.  Anyway, I’ve got an old cookbook here somewhere.  I’ll get it for you.”

                “Thanks,” Kaneki says, face already turned back to the screen.  He isn’t sure where else to look.

**_***_ **

                “Good morning, Touka!”

                She gives Kaneki a quick smile, the morning light shining through the windows and across her face.  “Good morning.  I got your email.”

                “Ah, did you?  I just thought, you know, maybe you’d like a couple suggestions!” Kaneki says, laughing nervously.

                “I sent some to Yoriko,” Touka says, walking over to help him ready the counter.  “She was really excited.  She said I had good taste.”

                Kaneki isn’t sure if it’s meant to be a joke or not.  He laughs anyway.  “I’m glad she liked them.”

                Touka nods.  “Are those things you used to eat?  She said she was surprised I’d given her home recipes.”

                “Oh, well, some of them,” Kaneki says.  “Hide helped, he doesn’t mind sharing family recipes.”

                “How is he?”  Touka asks.  And though she can maintain an impassive expression the majority of the time, there’s nothing convincing about her intentional casual tone.

                “Good,” Kaneki says.  “He’s looking for a part-time, but it’s not going so well.  He doesn’t seem to mind that much.  Oh, Touka, is Nishiki coming in today?”

                “I don’t think so.  He said something about driving Kimi to the clinic, she hasn’t been feeling well.”

                “Is she alright?” Kaneki asks, immediately concerned.

                “She’s fine, it’s just the flu,” Touka says.  “But you know how he is with her.  Why?”

                “Oh, it’s nothing,” Kaneki says.  “He just called me last night.  He was acting a little strange.”

                “Strange how?”

                “Like…asking if I had anything to eat,” Kaneki says.  “Then he got really mad for no reason.  Which wasn’t really the strange part.”

                “Something to eat?  He asked you for that?” Touka asks, voice sharpening. 

                Kaneki nods, suddenly unsure of if Nishiki would’ve wanted him to tell her that.  “Yes…that’s all he said.”

                “Why didn’t he just come here?” Touka snaps.

                “Don’t ask me!  I’m sure it’s nothing,” Kaneki says.  “Maybe he was just, you know, hungry…but didn’t want to walk all the way here?”

                “Whatever,” Touka says.  “As long as he keeps himself in line, I don’t care what he gets up to.  If he asks you something like that again, though…let me know.”

                “Ok,” Kaneki says.  “He wasn’t doing anything wrong though, is everything ok?”

                “It’s fine.  Just tell me, ok?”

                “I will,” Kaneki says. 

As the day winds down the light from outside fades to soft grey, as though the world has been folded into the underside of a dove’s wing.  The clouds are ruffled like downy feathers.  “I think I’ll go say goodbye to Hinami,” Kaneki says.  He hadn’t had time to visit today.

                “That’s fine,” Touka says.  “She’s missed you.  She wants to meet Hide.”

                The thought, for some reason, makes Kaneki giddy.  He suddenly wants to introduce Hide to Hinami, show him this life isn’t all bad, really it isn’t, one look at that little girl and anyone would know it.

                “I drew this for you!” Hinami says, after her usual enthusiastic greeting.

                “Oh, thank you!” Kaneki says, taking the picture.  There are three figures holding hands.  The one in the middle is blue, the typical color Hinami uses to draw Kaneki, and the smallest figure in green must be her.  The third is orange but has no face.  “I love it.  Is this you and me?  Who’s the other person?

                “That’s your friend,” Hinami says, “Touka told me his name is Hide.”

                Kaneki finds himself blushing.  “Touka also said you wanted to meet him.”

                Hinami nods.  “He must be nice if he’s your friend.  Why haven’t I seen him around here before?”

                “Well, he- oh.  Hide’s, ah, a human, Hinami,” Kaneki says.

                Hinami tilts her head.  “He is?  But you’re friends, aren’t you?”

                “Best friends!” Kaneki assures her.  “Him being a human doesn’t just mean he can’t be my friend.”

                Hinami nods.  “That’s lucky.  He must be really nice.”

                “He is.  If you still want, I bet he’d love to meet you,” Kaneki says.

                “Is that what you and Touka were arguing about?” Hinami asks.

                “How did you know?”  Kaneki asks.

                Hinami rolls her eyes.  “I’m not dumb, Kaneki!  I can hear!  Plus, it just makes sense.  He’s like your Yoriko.  Of course Touka would be upset.”

                “Ah, Hinami, I’m not sure I follow,” Kaneki says.  “Why would Hide being like…’my Yoriko’ make Touka upset?”

                “Kaneki!  Get down here!” Touka yells from the stairs.

                “Oh!  Sorry Hinami, I’ll visit with you later!” Kaneki says, inwardly frustrated at the interruption.  He hurries down the stairs, making a mental note to continue the conversation later.

                He finds Touka standing beside Yomo.

                “Ah, hello, Mr. Yomo,” Kaneki says. 

                “You’re collecting with him today,” Touka says.

                “Oh.  Ok,” Kaneki says, fidgeting with his hands.  “Are we going right now?”

                “Yes,” Yomo says. 

                “Well, alright,” Kaneki says.  He glances at Touka.  She raises her eyebrows, not about to throw him a lifeline.  She’d done her share of collecting. 

                Kaneki follows Yomo out the back door, into the darkening wings of the nighttime. 


End file.
